Learning to write, Writing to learn

Carrying on from the talk of process and applying it more directly to a piece of work, here are the first two pages from the final script of ‘Oh Only a Miner Killed' to compare with Chris’ pencils I posted a few days ago. Below I’ve also added my very shoddy thumbnails for the two pages, to help whoever the artist was going to be to get a vague idea of what I was looking for. Luckily for Chris :) he never got to see the thumbnails as Tim told him to just go for it and draw the hell out of the script. Great editor’s decision right there! Because this was where I learnt just how good an artist can make you, as a writer, look. It also shows the enjoyment gained from the collaborative process, of seeing your script in ways new and exciting. For me personally it was a real buzz to see the pencils, recognising many of the small details in the script Chris nailed and also seeing how his change of angle in particular made the story far more visually interesting than I had originally imagined.



Oh Only A Miner Killed

Page 1

All the external shots take place on a typical Welsh winter morning, which is to say dark, gloomy and raining heavily enough to give Noah the yips. It’s harsh and unrelenting, symbolising the miners’ lives. First page is seven panels, a row of two then a row of three, then another row of two. (see thumbnail page 1)

Panel 1:
Exterior establishing shot of a Welsh mining town in the early 1900’s. I’d like something like this http://www.data-wales.co.uk/valley1.jpg with the terraced houses on the valley side close to the plant, but feel free to use this list of Welsh coal mines http://www.welshcoalmines.co.uk/Photo.htm or any other image if it works better. I’m not too bothered by a specific location as most of the story takes place in the mine.

[no dialogue]

Panel 2:
Interior shot of a small bedroom where Mrs Jones, a beaten-down-by-life mother in her mid-thirties is waking two young boys (Michael 13 and Jonathan 11). Michael is a stern looking, dark-haired young man. Jonathan is the happy, younger son and apple of his mother’s eye. They are to look at polar opposites. The boys are sharing a bed and there is a large grandfather type clock in the room showing 5am. Jonathan is our protagonist.

[no dialogue]

For the next horizontal row I imagined panels 3-5 as a single image split into three with the boys moving along it. The single image is of the first four houses of a terraced row, called Mill Lane, descending numerically left-to-right, which is next to a road. The Jones’ live at No 4, No’s 1-3 are also visible with the road on the very right hand side of the image. Lots of miners use this street to get to work. [I’ve highlighted the boys in yellow in the thumbnail to try and show what I imagined in case the following description isn’t clear]

Panel 3:
I want to show their mother seeing the boys off in this panel. So in the centre of the panel the boys are standing outside their front door in the rain, breath visible in the cold morning air while Mrs Jones stands in the doorway, door only slightly ajar (make sure the number 4 is clear on the door please), handing them both their lunches in brown paper bags. They’re dressed like this:
http://static.flickr.com/81/256947931_620909a226_o.jpg only with the heavy coats seen in the top picture here: http://www.snolabor.org/images/coal2.jpg
At the very left of the panel are three miners also on their way to work


MRS JONES: “MAKE SURE HE KEEPS HIS HEAD DOWN MICHAEL.”



[Page 1 continued]
Panel 4:
In this panel we see Houses 3 and 2 as the boys walk past House 2. From House 3, behind the boys, two men (again miners) are getting out the doorway to go to work.

[no dialogue]

Panel 5:
House 1 is the last before the street corner and is visible on the very left of the panel along with a sign for the street name. The boys are beyond House 1 and are crossing the road with several other miners, down toward the bottom right of the panel.

[no dialogue]

Panel 6:
Large flow of workers at the entrance of the mine complex (not the mine itself) trudging to work. I don’t have a fixed image for this panel but I want it to show how reliant the area had become on the coal mine, as many of the Welsh mining areas were, and how many people it employed. It’s my way of saying ‘See, look how many people did this shit.’

[no dialogue]

Panel 7:
The two boys are lowered down a hole into the shaft, looks like this: http://www.hoodfamily.info/coal/graphics/ginpit.jpg

[no dialogue]



Page 2

Six panel grid, three rows of two. (see thumbnail page 2)

Panel 1:
The two boys separate at the bottom of the hole, going in opposite directions. This area is a hubbub of activity; men with tools are walking toward tunnels – the occasional miner is carrying a lamp; there are rails on which boys are pushing carts full of coal. This is also shift change so many grimy, soot-covered men hurrying to leave. Michael is looking stern, Jonathan is smiling and rolling his eyes, this is something they go through every day.

MICHAEL: “DON’T FORGET TO …”

JONATHAN: “KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.”

Panel 2:
Jonathan crouch-ducks past several men on their knees (ref: http://staffwww.fullcoll.edu/tmorris/elements_of_ecology/images/coal_miners.jpg) and two boys pushing a cart full of coal, down into a darkened side tunnel.

[no dialogue]

Panel 3:
Jonathan is attracted toward a natural narrow passage in the rock with a dim light whose source is off panel. He has to crouch quite low to get through the entrance.

[no dialogue]

Panel 4:
Zoom in. Jonathan is almost flat on his stomach, crawling toward the hole, now visible, where the light is coming from. The light is now brighter but the panel is otherwise almost completely dark.

[no dialogue]

Panel 5:
Zoom in really close. A hand reaches out through the hole of light, extended toward Jonathan who is recoiling slightly in fear.

[no dialogue]

Panel 6:
Jonathan is right by the hole now and tentatively takes the offered hand.

[no dialogue]

As I’m sure you’ll notice, because I did, the panel descriptions aren’t as developed as they could be and for a few panels I didn’t know exactly how to describe the shot, knowing what you want from a panel and actually giving solid, understandable descriptions is one of the first lessons I’m coming to grips with. To be fair to Chris he took on the challenge with some great choices and made the story flow smoothly where my poor writing could have caused a problem. As I said in an earlier post, you can’t beat actually writing – and getting a chance to see it drawn up – to learn about your weaknesses and how you can improve. In that regard Tim and Chris were also very good, giving me their insights and feedback so my next effort will be better.